Insert Calculating Strategist Here
by gdouglas56
Summary: An ACMSES one shot. Maya has been found in the Command and Conquer fandom. Doug, his author and the Society are putting everything they've got to catch her. R&R.....Cristoph gets to be a spy!


**Disclaimer: I do not own C&C, or Adrian, Tash, Ben, Shirley, Rhia, Harriet, Cristoph and Valerie. However, the fictional army and the other characters belong to me.**

**Challenge for Society members: The first Society member to know why I posted this on the 9****th**** September 2009 will have a picture drawn after them for their ACMSES Wiki.**

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* * *

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"Sigh..." Doug huffed as he and Ben were dressed with aprons and carrying mops, mopping the floor of the Library. Today, they've managed to finish the common rooms and are now starting on the corridors. But a grandfather's clock chimed four times across the Library, noting time for tea.

"Ah, finally. Ben, wanna head for the kitchen? I've been dying for some of your Firebrand whiskey," said Doug, putting the mop into the pail, half-filled with dirty water from all the mopping.

"Sorry Doug, I just ran out of the stuff. Tell you what, I'll be sure to share it with you when I get a new flask," replied Ben, keeping the mop into the storeroom before heading off to the TV area. Doug nodded and kept his mop into the storeroom as well. He then headed into the firing range, where screams of the word 'DIE!' had been going all afternoon. He looked in and saw Rhia with her 'Plot Bunny Sniper Rifle', killing off slash pairing plot bunnies.

"Rhia, what's the body count?" asked Doug. Rhia stopped and looked at Doug, lowering down her rifle.

"So far, 25 kills. There's still more running about," replied Rhia, pulling out the clip off her rifle and reloading with a new clip.

"Mind if I get some target practice?" asked Doug, pointing at the box next to Rhia. Rhia nodded. Doug left and came back minutes later with an M4A1 SOPMOD (Special Operations Peculiar Modification) and started blasting rounds at typically 'wrong' slash bunnies. After 300 bullets, 7 grenades and a bundle of TNT, they were still enjoying the hunt. Eventually, Doug was stopped when a ball of soap the size of a cricket ball flew and hit him on the head.

**CRACK!**

"Ow!" wailed Doug in pain as he lost balance and fell down. Rhia stopped and looked at where the soap came from. It was Harriet, looking as though she had just thrown a winning bowl. There were traces of soap on the floor to show that the soap did bounce off the floor and to Doug's head. Harriet stood straight and folded her arms, looking disappointed.

"Douglas Kreig, your tea break was over 15 minutes ago. Back to work," stated Harriet, pointing out the door. Doug sloppily walked out when the Library alarm rang.

"Saved by the bell," thought Doug as the three of them headed to the Sue tracker rooms.

* * *

Insert Society Theme Song Here

* * *

"It was a while, but we finally found her trace. But she managed to gather an army right under our noses. Looks like we have to get the entire Society again," explained Valerie, with pop-up windows flashing all about the computer screen. Harriet stood still and was in thought. Doug spoke straight away.

"That will not be necessary. My author prepared an army for this fandom; a direct reason why we nuked her in the first place," said Doug. Harriet turned and talked to Doug.

"Then why did you join the Society in the first place? You have a multitude of weapons in your arsenal."

"But we don't have the Sue-tracking technologies the Society has, and the armies my author maintains are not built for pursuing Sues. We still have to go in and capture her the old-fashioned way." Harriet nodded at the explanation and returned to her thinking. Then she spoke.

"We'll have to ask Adrian permission for this fandom. And also, we'll have an Agent to go in with you," said Harriet, still thinking on who to send in. Some are still recovering from the previous fandom, especially Tash who was mistakenly fed with Coke (she still has to go through insulin shots to reduce the sugar's effects) and Karissa, who was knocked out by the Sue.

"I'm blank, do you have any extra needs?" asked Harriet.

"Well, we need a spy of some sorts…." replied Doug, as he got his mind to work out the use of a spy.

"Valerie, call Cristoph. We've got a new assignment for him," said Harriet and Valerie reached for the telephone. Doug put out a hand, stopping Valerie from calling. He was holding some sort of GPS scanner with four white dots and an extra dot not far from where they are. Doug looked at the location and pointed at a corner.

"He's there," said Doug. Cristoph warped out from his camouflage and walked towards them.

"I have recently trained in the arts of concealing heat and was beaten by a tiny monitor?!" exclaimed Cristoph.

"Heartbeat monitor, Cris, something I nicked off from the Call of Duty fandom. But trying to get your heart to stop beating, its suicide," remarked Doug.

"James Bond did it in 'Die Another Day'; so can I," replied Cristoph proudly.  
"Stop it, both of you! We got a Sue in a fandom and we need to take her into custody. Got it?" said Harriet. Cristoph reacted with a bow; Doug with a salute. They both left and Harriet sighed.

"A military man and a ninja. There's not one day where either one tries to hide and find each other," commented Harriet, taking the receiver from Valerie and calling Adrian.

* * *

Adrian steps forward to the door in the encyclopaedia section. He looked at the pen-shaped key he had on his palm.

"When Ben entered, he was chased by bears. Tash went in and found herself in a plane full of terrorists. I hope I don't appear in the middle of a battlefield," thought Adrian as he put the key in and opened the door. He hopped in with his _Hoshikuzu, _hoping not to land between two warring armies.

* * *

Adrian found himself falling down. He looked around and saw birds and clouds. He looked down and saw the big, blue ocean.

"THIS IS WORSE THAN I HAD IMAGINED!" yelled Adrian as he plummeted down 1500 feet to the vast ocean.

**SPLASH!**

He was underwater for a moment, but he managed to swim up to the surface and keep himself afloat. He looked around and saw nothing but oceans. He started to panic, as he was the only thing in the vast, blue sea. Then a drone of helicopter engines caught his ear. He looked around and saw a helicopter heading towards him. It was coloured in white and red; normal colour for a Coast Guard helicopter. The helicopter hovered above him and a coast guard came down on a rope line. He grabbed Adrian and the winch pulled them up to the helicopter. Another coast guard handed Adrian a towel. Adrian dried himself as the helicopter headed for dry land.

"How far is the shore from here?" asked Adrian.

"There is no shore in this world, sir," replied the coast guard. Adrian took a long time to figure out the world he's in.

* * *

The helicopter arrived in a very big island, but it was no normal island. It was a huge, mobile island, with gun turrets and anti-air defences scattered all around the island. The author came out from a building in the island and greeted Adrian.

"Welcome to my floating island fortress, Adrian. How was your trip here?" greeted the author.

"Other than being in the middle of the ocean, yea, it was okay," replied Adrian sarcastically.

"By the way, where exactly are we?" asked Adrian.

"The scientists call it the right hemisphere of the brain; I call it 'imagination'," replied the author in a sarcastic tone to compete with Adrian's sarcastic comment. Adrian just nodded. The author showed the way to the building built into the floating fortress. They walked through the narrow walkways to a monorail which passes through parts of the complex; like how you would see it in _Half-Life_. There were bays of parked tanks, bays for jets and their pilots, bays for hovercrafts for transporting the frontline troopers, a bay where they load payloads into missiles, training grounds for soldiers and labs for testing new weaponry and equipment. They eventually passed a bay where a giant walker was being prepped and welded. Adrian looked in awe.

"The frontline command centre. It will produce the rest of the military to suit the battlefield's needs. Isn't she a beauty?" said the author in an Australian accent. Adrian turned and looked at the author.

"You thought of all this in a fortnight?" asked Adrian, surprised that the author can create all this in a fortnight since Maya was trapped in the Command and Conquer fandom.

"Actually, it was more than a month. New units are created as soon as a new Command and Conquer game is announced," replied Doug. The monorail slowed down and stopped at a station which immediately led to the heart of the floating fortress; the control room. There were many characters that were in the Call of Duty fandom in the control room, manning the computers that will send commands to the army once they have landed into the fandom. The author's friend, Terry also was there, looking at the big monitor at the front of the control room.

"That explains the character usage," commented Adrian, but was too soft for the author to pick up. The author picked up a microphone nearby and announced.

"Attention all personnel, we are about enter a plot hole. Please get into the fortress before the insertion commences." Outside, soldiers and personnel rushed indoors as a giant ray cannon came out from the depths of the island fortress. Once the surface of the fortress was empty, all the personnel in the control room opened the cover for keyholes and inserted a key. They all turned it in sequence, like you would see in the Olympics Synchronized Swimming Event. Then the author opened his switch console, inserting his pen-shaped key, twisting it and pushing the red button. The ray gun outside fired out light rays, opening a plot hole in the middle of the ocean. The plot hole acted like a black hole; sucking everything closest to it. The fortress began to vibrate violently as it entered the plot hole, but due to its size, it felt no more than a little tremor. Once the fortress entered the plot hole, the plot hole closed, sealing the author's imagination world from the fandom world.

* * *

The floating fortress appeared in the Command and Conquer fandom, specifically called Red Alert 3. The floating fortress started to transform like a huge Transformer, opening decks to reveal the units that will be used in a war against Maya. Hovercrafts came out of the fortress and raced to the shore. Artillery shells bombarded the hovercrafts, most were misses. Jets flew past and destroyed the beach defences, paving way for the hovercrafts to land. Troops poured out of the hovercrafts, gunning down any resistance inland. Two giant walkers came out and headed for shore, where they deployed into fully-established bases. New units were built and strike forces were ready for confronting Maya's forces. Little propeller cameras came out from the frontline command centre so Adrian and the author can take a look at the battlefield in the safety of the floating fortress. In the control room, the author and his friend entered rooms that oversee the big screen of the control room. Adrian, seeing them entering the rooms, asked a question.

"What do I do then?" asked Adrian.

"You can stay here and watch the fireworks or go into the battle and risk your trench coat," the author replied. Adrian shuddered at the thought of his beloved trench coat disintegrated into pieces, and decided to stay. The author set himself in a chair with headphones over his head and a computer in front of him; he began to do some simple mouse clicks. That in fact controlled a battalion in the screen to move.

"To the author, this is all a game. I wonder how the boys are holding up," thought Adrian.

* * *

"Okay, Cristoph. You go in as an Imperial Shinobi and try to observe Maya's movements. If she changes to a new location, report to me through this radio," said Doug, handing Cristoph a radio. Cristoph indicated he wouldn't need a radio.

"I'm a ninja. I can communicate through Algazdun," replied Cristoph, with the hawk perched on his shoulder. The hawk squawked in agreement. Doug continued to push the radio to Cristoph.

"Just in case the birdie got shot down. There are not many birds in this fandom," said Doug. Algazdun glared at Doug before screeching and scratching him. After for a full 5 minutes, Algazdun was content with the damage he did. Cristoph sighed and began descending the mountain into Maya's main base. Doug recovered from the bird attacks and continued to observe the base from the mountain peak.

* * *

Cristoph went into the base silently and hid behind a power plant. There were some Allied Peacekeepers patrolling with Soviet War Bears (the same ones that pursued Ben the last time). A War Bear began to sniff about, pointing to where Cristoph was hiding. Cristoph tried to remain silent and hoped the bear didn't sniff him out. The bear then turned its attention away from Cristoph. Cristoph heaved a sigh of relief. He continued on and reached near a barracks. An Imperial Shinobi came out of the barracks. Cristoph quietly neared the Shinobi and sliced him with his ninjato, then dragging him away from sight. He then dressed himself as the Shinobi, with the purple team colour of Maya's army, not a favourite of Cristoph.

"Yuck!" exclaimed Cristoph in disgust. Then a Japanese Imperial Warrior walked towards him. H was carrying a futuristic bullpup rifle and a katana next to him. The Imperial Warrior began to speak.

"(Manabu, where have you been? Maya's troupe has been waiting for you!)," said the trooper in Japanese. Although Cristoph is a ninja, his Japanese wasn't very good. He replied with a nod. The Imperial Warrior left to go back to his patrol duty and Cristoph headed to the command centre. There, he saw the prize of the Society; Maya with a group of Shinobis and katana-wielding Imperial Warriors surrounding her. He stepped into the group and pretended to guard Maya. They headed into the command centre.

* * *

Allied Apollo fighters took off from the airbases, but were shot down by the author's Alpha Raptor fighters. They then made a run for it; with Soviet MiGs after them. A group of Imperial Troopers surprised the ill-prepared Soviet air force. This cleared the way for Cliffhanger tanks and Gattling tanks to steamroll into Maya's airbase outpost. On board the floating fortress, the author and his friend were doing several mouse clicks and pressing hotkeys on their keyboards. This led to unit movement in the large screen, with the tanks and infantry levelling the base in seconds. The strike forces were ready for another roll; into Maya's main base.

"The only thing she's not overpowered in this game is that she sucks at it," commented the author.

"Yea, the computer bots were harder to deal than Maya……. LOOK! Her units are scattered and firing at multiple targets while we're having a field day!" exclaimed the author's friend. Adrian remained silent throughout the chatter.

* * *

"No! Why aren't they destroyed after one shot? The author must be cheating. Those aren't even cannon units!" exclaimed Maya as she saw her units on the computer screen getting obliterated by the author's forces. Clearly she didn't know that in RTS games like Command and Conquer, units can take up to several hits before dying. And also, the author designed his units to suit the upcoming game, Command and Conquer 4, making him one step ahead against Maya.

"Eergh! Send the commandos!" commanded Maya.

* * *

The three female commandos of the Red Alert 3 fandom, Tanya, Natasha and Yuriko Omega, came out of the barracks and headed towards the oncoming Tiberium-esque forces. The commandos did considerable damage to the initial forces, ripping them apart. The author's forces retreated.

"Heh! See you laugh that off, author!" exclaimed Maya, mocking the author. Back in the floating fortress, the author and his friend did mouse clicks, making the rest of the forces retreat from the three commandos.

"She learned how to use commandos! How exciting!" exclaimed the author in an extremely bland manner. From the tone of his voice, you can tell he's mocking Maya.

"How can you mock her when she's got three of the best units of the game?" asked Adrian, after looking at the remaining of the author's forces retreat.

"Dear Adrian, best or not, there's a way to counter them. It's in game balance," replied the author as he made a few forward clicks on the monitor. From the tactics that the author and his friend employed, they managed to split the three commandos from each other and attack them when they're alone. Tanya was taken off with Gattling tanks, Natasha with a few Viper helicopters and Yuriko with Imperial Stormtroopers in APCs. Maya slammed her fist on the table, infuriated by the defeat of her three, most powerful units.

"THAT-IS-NOT-POSSIBLE! They should've taken care of them without a break of sweat!" exclaimed Maya, starting to pull on her shortened hair (thanks to Vespin) out of stress. Obviously, she doesn't know that although the three commandos are powerful, they're not Sues like her. Back in the control room, the author's friend was laughing out loud. (And for you Instant Messenger users, it's lol)

"Now for a little surprise," commented the author, typing a few coded lines and pressed the 'Enter' button. Suddenly, waves of transport aircraft flew over Maya's base, dropping soldiers. Most of them were the author's characters.

"Wait, if they're there, then who's…..." Adrian stopped as soon as he saw the empty computers in front of the control room. "Oh."

* * *

Doug was eating a cup of instant noodles at a cliff when transport planes flew above and began to drop soldiers into the base. He heard the radio crackle and he picked it up.

"Capture Maya, now," said the voice. Doug kept it, and threw his half-eaten instant noodles away and clipped himself to a rope at the edge of the cliff. He abseiled down the cliff at about the same time the soldiers reached the ground. He drew out his sword and regrouped with his siblings. They were all carrying the same sword as he was.

"Where's Melvin?" asked Doug. They all looked at each other until they heard of a person shoddily running towards them with bags hanging all around him. He had black hair and wore glasses. They helped him out by throwing off all his bags.

"I didn't know what to bring when the author commenced the drop, so I brought everything," said Melvin. His bags are filled with writing utensils, books and weapons from different ages. Doug sighed.

"Just your two most powerful weapons, Melvin," said Terry. Melvin took out an empty book and a pen. They all headed towards the door of the command centre, where several soldiers are ready to blast it through. They all leaned next to the wall and a soldier thumbed the trigger.

"Blow the charge," said Doug.

* * *

The door blasted open, and an automatic mini-gun that Maya had prepared, fired at the doorway. It smoked so much that the doorway was barely visible. The mini-gun overheated, and it stopped to assess the damage. The smoke cleared off, and not one soul came through the door.

"What the…" Maya stopped when the wall next to the doorway blew up, with laughing gas grenades flying through it. The units nearest to the grenades were the first to be affected by the gas, rolling on the floor laughing (rofl). A group of helmeted soldiers entered, destroying the mini-gun and gunning a few of Maya's personal guard. Her Shinobis acted fast, taking out the helmeted troopers, who are now properly called Imperial Guards. When the gas cleared, Doug, Terry, Ivan, Rina and Melvin entered, rushing in with their swords, slashing out all the guards, leaving Maya alone. They attempted to attack Maya, but she dodged them and landed near Cristoph.

"Shinobi, go!" commanded Maya, pointing at the siblings. Cristoph sighed and drew out his ninjato and pointed at Maya.

"You have bad colour choice," said Cristoph, pointing the ninjato at her throat. Maya quickly summoned her sword and deflected Cristoph's sword, then pushed him to the wall. She tried to stab him, but Doug was fast enough to push her sword away. He made a few slashes, with Maya dodging every one of them before she dodged to another corner. This time, Terry McCormick lunged at her and clashed with her sword. There was a bit of swirling around to see who dominates in the swordfight before Maya managed to find an opening and kicked him, sending him to a wall. Rina managed to grab hold of him to stop him from crashing into the wall. Ivan quickly tried to do a sneak attack at her, but Maya managed to block the attack and head to another corner. She experienced a twin's effect as she did a sword battle with Rina and Doug, seeing two characters of identical height but of different gender. She managed to escape that swordfight landing in front of Melvin. She stood up and saw Melvin writing something in his book. He tore out the page and threw it over Maya's head.

"Landslide!" Melvin said, and the paper turned into a landslide of mud and rock. Maya stared in shock as the mud and rock buried her underneath. When the landslide settled, Maya burst out of the sediments, looking all angry. Grappling Prohibitors flew at her grabbing her by the neck, arms and ankles. She began to lose her powers, but then she tried doing the same thing she did in the Call of Duty fandom. Before she could even scream, the Prohibitors sent a surge of electricity through her body, preventing her from even doing it until that power was drained from her. Doug, who was operating one of the Prohibitors, smirked.

"The same trick won't work twice, Maya," said Doug as Maya slumped to the floor. Doug, his siblings and Cristoph approached her and locked another five Prohibitors just to be safe. When Maya was all weak and powerless, unable to walk on her own, they carried her to an awaiting helicopter, with the author and Adrian waiting for them.

"Good job, Doug and Cristoph. The author is quite happy with what you did to get her," congratulated Adrian. Doug and Cristoph threw her into the helicopter and then entered in later. The helicopter took off and Adrian spoke.

"How did you get the idea that electricity stops the Sue?" asked Adrian.

"_Jumper_," replied Doug, making a reference to the movie.

"Ah, so when will the Grappling Prohibitors be ready for the Society?" inquired Adrian.

"Not for a long time Adrian. Production costs for one of these Prohibitors are enough to bankrupt the Society, so there are only five free units as a thank you gift from my author," replied Doug. The author nodded. Adrian and Doug looked ahead as the helicopter approached a plot hole.

* * *

"So what happened to Maya?" asked Tash, cured from her hyper-activeness, sitting on Adrian's desk. Adrian was sitting behind his desk.

"The author offered to take up his own mess and kept her in a Sue-proof cryo tube. There, he will cleanse her of her powers and memories, making her start off anew. So don't be alarmed if we see her next time we enter the author's world," replied Adrian, walking towards the office cabinet and keeping the folder about the mission into it.

"Hmm, I wonder if he could do the same with Willowe and the others," commented Tash. Adrian returned to his seat.

"Honey, let's not push our business on the author. Willowe and the rest are the Society's business," replied Adrian, which earned him an ear rub from Tash.

* * *

"…so that's what happened," said Doug, finishing his story with Ben and taking a shot of the Firebrand whiskey. Ben was amazed at Doug's story.

"Wow! Just accomplishing the mission puts us off the cleaning roster! Sweet!" said Ben, taking his shot of the whiskey. Then they heard something trotting past the kitchen doorway. It was Shirley.

"Just hold on a sec, Ben," said Doug, walking out the doorway. Minutes later, he reappeared in front of the doorway with a flamethrower.

"SHIRLEY! I'M GETTING YOU FOR EATING MY TERMITE FARM!" yelled Doug, running towards Shirley's direction, blasting the flamethrower. Minutes later, Doug was running in the opposite direction.

"AAAIIEYAAAAA! CRAZY MATCHSTICK!" screamed Doug as Shirley, in flames, but the fire didn't seem to affect her. She began chasing Doug in the Library, the smoke causing the fire alarms to go off.

* * *

**Author's note: Maya has finally been captured, thus the end of Doug breaking the rules to enter Black List fandoms (or is it?). I know it may be disappointing to some (for being shorter than Insert Overuse of Nuclear Devices Here; Ben hoped I could top that one), but I believe it's the best way to put Maya to rest. Grappling Prohibitors are only used for Sues Level 7 or up, or capturing them in Black List fandoms. Laughing Gas grenades are also a Society gadget for use, although not common in the Agent's inventory. And at least now Doug has some free time to help the other Agents in their pursuit of Sues or day-to-day activities. This is the author, signing off.**


End file.
